She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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