I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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