I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
