he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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