I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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