I got chris browned last night
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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