hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
