I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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