2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
