Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
