someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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