what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
