Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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