My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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