forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
being pregnant is like rehab
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
