go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
