just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
