You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
