I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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