Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
