Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
