This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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