So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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