It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
