I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
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