Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
