I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
