You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So vagazzling was a success
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
