So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
