i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
