Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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