Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
