I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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