Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
