Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
