Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
