Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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