Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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