Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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