I cut my penus on the lid.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
