I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
