summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
even my farts smell like vagina
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
two words: eviction party
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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