I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
