i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
