I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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