when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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