see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
