There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
