God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
