Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
