I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
