Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
